current mood - cold

woke up to incessant drills. i blast my speakers to snuff it out yet i don't think anything can really.

this is the first time in a long time i've slept in my own bed, under my own thin covers, in my own company. and this is the first time in a long time i heard the noise inside. but i guess its still what they say how hearing isn't listening. so how do you silence the heart.

so i have this fatal talent for forgetting and repressing. its weird because when in a blue moon, or on a cold saturday morning, some snippets somehow make their way back from this abyss where i've chucked them, i'm just left in this weird reminiscent jadedness. can't really describe it, but the first thing i did that made me feel a lot better was cutting my nails short (had them grown out quite a bit to be a bit more feminine...yea sad effort i know...).

right now my toes and fingers are freezing, amongst other things.

(if you put a sentence like that to stand on its own - it always looks so much deeper.)
((and if you keep putting parentheses explaining the obvious or not so obvious, then you're (I'm) just trying to disclaim myself that i'm really not trying hard to be deep even when i want do want to come off deep like Janet))

anyways - i'm still seeking clarity (my mood in gchat for the longest time) and apparently there's this tacky smoke machine (ones they use at clubs to make people look sexy sexy danger danger) up in here fogging up my clarity search! need to go all bonk's revenge on them things. yes its nice to talk ghetto every now and then.

whatever - i thought this blog was supposed to make me feel better. like better as in writing something deeper than stupid equity and debt market commentary i write all day, or copy/paste from bloomberg then clt-h the ' percent' to '%'. if you know what i'm talking about - oh man i feel for you baby.


it feels so real from the outside looking in

(the italics are just to indicate its a song lyric - please i'm not that deep)