damn you PCOS

welcome back

this is the follow up blog to the previous one. had to just submit that one immediately to preserve the standalone effect.

so random collection of things:
- apparently i'm the BEST excuse maker in the world
- why do i keep gaining weight?
- sigh, always asking questions with answers i already know
- i have the worst self-control and very short-term spurts of motivation
- i have every right to be depressed like everyone else! just let me be!
- there is a bill/demand for payment for everything in life. why does everything in life need such settling

oh yea i resigned! i should be extremely excited right now - but i'm just letting it settle it. part of me feels like another anita did this - pushed me to pull the trigger to actually resign and not like 99.999% of people, just threaten to quit but cant and wont. my rational self is asking - wat the hell...people don't have jobs....why are you quitting a 6 figure job....what the hell, just suck it up...

i guess it turns out that you can't just coupe (is that the right word?) yourself up for an entire year in a job that strips away all sense of self identity and privacy. Of course, some inner part of you that knows you the best and wants only the best for you - will rebel.

and rebel i did!

believe me, if i'm not smiling on the outside, i am sure smiling somewhere inside.

welcome back anita. welcome back self-respect.

no regret - just need to forget

i just handed in my 2 week notice to resign

i am doing something for myself. finally.

Everything but nothing

>:/ : what'd you eat today?
O=) : i cut my portion in half and ate only 6 dumplings vs. 12!
>:/ : dumplings?! why can't you eat a salad, or fruit, or ice....


To do:
- Eat some ice

give credit where credit is due!

twidling my thumbs
round and round they go

deja vu - but for reals

on Dec 31st, when asked what i learned from 2008 - i said i learned how to be tolerant. on Jan 27th - this was tested again.

so for this chinese version of the new year - i find myself typing away turning over comments at my desk against a backdrop of an entirely empty office and loud explosions of fireworks outside in victoria harbour. another new year - another lonely night.

many fellow bankers have consoled me that as long as we're not being disrespected or degraded at work - then a job is a job - we are getting paid for it...and well-paid despite the 0 bonus as compared to non-finance jobs. others have told me that i needed to 'learn to love my job.'

so i think to myself - what value is there to anything i learned in school? i barely use any of my technicals....presentation skills? yea they were good for the final round interview and thats about it. what was the value of my gpa? it just pigeonheld me to apply to jobs that i felt i should apply for the banking ones - with gpa requirements. man if i had a lower gpa - maybe i would've given up on the "cream of the crop" jobs and went to something less well-paid but more interesting instead. no regrets.

they should really have a class on taking it up the b
that would be the most practical class ever. forget about ethics. and anything above basic finance or accounting or communications - you'll never use it bc real work from what i've seen in the past 6 months i've been employed is just - politics - kissing ass - taking it up the whazoo - and learning to comfort yourself and cope with giving up all the expectations and dreams you once had. if not giving up then delaying and pushing back....

also - another class on how to love something you don't love. yea - forget about finding your true self, your true love, your true destiny....

secretly or not so secretly - i kinda want to get fired. or made redudant (to get some severance)... but the natural side of me just keeps excelling at something i'm putting 60% and really not giving a rats' arsh about. because i naturally cannot fail - cannot accept failure, even at something i abhor.

why is there such a ridiculous dilemna. have i become another one of those corporate drones that are stuck in their jobs. i dont' even have much responsibility (in terms of mouths to feed or bills to pay)...yet i'm so stoic. so static. so sucker.

is there any hope for me when i really do get real responsiblities to look after?


(secretly i take comfort in being a female - (whatever, feminists). i take comfort in knowing that thank god someday i will probably have children and i can take a break from the misery that is work (please dont let me have some b_stard kid...>)).

i'm just rambling my bitterness away. why not - i need an outlet besides getting excited about a new bread & wine place that opened under my workplace....

finger lickin good

blahhhh

im at work blogging - a very fine accomplishment - thank you very much. just found out that this url isn't blocked! yippayyy so expect waves and waves of ramblings since i expect the markets to continue to be quite subdued still.

So i was thinking about what I want in life - you know the usual - and naturally it comes down to a bit of what do I envy. So, there is a reason why you're specifically green(-backs) with envy and not any other color. Is money the source? Ok, i'm going off on tangents, but let's say there's a few things to be envious about - looks, status, skills, possessions.... all which can probably be bought if not enhanced with money - right? (can we please not get all gross and talking about being jealous of feelings like love, etc....)

then it came to me - so lately i've realised i'm quite young, at a ripe age of 22 and man oh man, the number 1 thing women are jealous of is definitely youth. and that's may be one of the few things that money can't buy.

there really isnt a deep point in this blog - i just wanted to declare that i love my youth! i love it more than anything else right now! (sad - i said now) i love being young! its definitely finger lickin' good~

::::cartwheeeelsss:::: (while i still can...)

yea - i know, it just goes back to money can't buy time. so i need to stop moping about work - and really take life by the reigns and live every single moment - including salivating over every bite of that McDonald's cheeseburger I had last night. good god those are so good.

yup that is all. i'll prob post in another what 30mins bc i have nothing to do right now and i can't just sit - time's a tickin'

oh yea now i understand why women pay SO much for those $$$ products to preserve their youth. dude - i'm going to be a target consumer soon. weaahhh

current mood - cold

woke up to incessant drills. i blast my speakers to snuff it out yet i don't think anything can really.

this is the first time in a long time i've slept in my own bed, under my own thin covers, in my own company. and this is the first time in a long time i heard the noise inside. but i guess its still what they say how hearing isn't listening. so how do you silence the heart.

so i have this fatal talent for forgetting and repressing. its weird because when in a blue moon, or on a cold saturday morning, some snippets somehow make their way back from this abyss where i've chucked them, i'm just left in this weird reminiscent jadedness. can't really describe it, but the first thing i did that made me feel a lot better was cutting my nails short (had them grown out quite a bit to be a bit more feminine...yea sad effort i know...).

right now my toes and fingers are freezing, amongst other things.

(if you put a sentence like that to stand on its own - it always looks so much deeper.)
((and if you keep putting parentheses explaining the obvious or not so obvious, then you're (I'm) just trying to disclaim myself that i'm really not trying hard to be deep even when i want do want to come off deep like Janet))

anyways - i'm still seeking clarity (my mood in gchat for the longest time) and apparently there's this tacky smoke machine (ones they use at clubs to make people look sexy sexy danger danger) up in here fogging up my clarity search! need to go all bonk's revenge on them things. yes its nice to talk ghetto every now and then.

whatever - i thought this blog was supposed to make me feel better. like better as in writing something deeper than stupid equity and debt market commentary i write all day, or copy/paste from bloomberg then clt-h the ' percent' to '%'. if you know what i'm talking about - oh man i feel for you baby.


it feels so real from the outside looking in

(the italics are just to indicate its a song lyric - please i'm not that deep)