so for this chinese version of the new year - i find myself typing away turning over comments at my desk against a backdrop of an entirely empty office and loud explosions of fireworks outside in victoria harbour. another new year - another lonely night.
many fellow bankers have consoled me that as long as we're not being disrespected or degraded at work - then a job is a job - we are getting paid for it...and well-paid despite the 0 bonus as compared to non-finance jobs. others have told me that i needed to 'learn to love my job.'
so i think to myself - what value is there to anything i learned in school? i barely use any of my technicals....presentation skills? yea they were good for the final round interview and thats about it. what was the value of my gpa? it just pigeonheld me to apply to jobs that i felt i should apply for the banking ones - with gpa requirements. man if i had a lower gpa - maybe i would've given up on the "cream of the crop"
they should really have a class on taking it up the b
that would be the most practical class ever. forget about ethics. and anything above basic finance or accounting or communications - you'll never use it bc real work from what i've seen in the past 6 months i've been employed is just - politics - kissing ass - taking it up the whazoo - and learning to comfort yourself and cope with giving up all the expectations and dreams you once had. if not giving up then delaying and pushing back....
also - another class on how to love something you don't love. yea - forget about finding your true self, your true love, your true destiny....
secretly or not so secretly - i kinda want to get fired. or made redudant (to get some severance)... but the natural side of me just keeps excelling at something i'm putting 60% and really not giving a rats' arsh about. because i naturally cannot fail - cannot accept failure, even at something i abhor.
why is there such a ridiculous dilemna. have i become another one of those corporate drones that are stuck in their jobs. i dont' even have much responsibility (in terms of mouths to feed or bills to pay)...yet i'm so stoic. so static. so sucker.
is there any hope for me when i really do get real responsiblities to look after?
(secretly i take comfort in being a female - (whatever, feminists). i take comfort in knowing that thank god someday i will probably have children and i can take a break from the misery that is work (please dont let me have some b_stard kid...>)).
i'm just rambling my bitterness away. why not - i need an outlet besides getting excited about a new bread & wine place that opened under my workplace....
4 comments:
thats y u dont try so hard. put effort only wen needed.
ur lucky wen ur at 60%, it equals other peoples' 100%. take advantage. do something better than others and they will envy then hate u
everything u do is usually not as important as u think it is at the time.
a job is a job is a job
u knew wat u were getting into buddy, i hope
oh bb, don't be too miserable. when we have real responsibilities, our fight vs flight will kick in and i trust that you have enough survival instinct to do what you need to do.
and don't listen to what other people say. you're strong enough not to to have other ppl turn your compass needle. and you are right. stern only endorsed stupidity and cupidity.
good post!
i'm beginning to see that myself. is it being 'jaded'? maybe, but i think it's much more than that. it's a discrepancy between societal and our views of success/failure, in which we obviously choose to side with that of society over our own. i find that that is where most of my angst is derived from.
let's chat again soon,
always,
gw
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